Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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