It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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