Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
