Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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