this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
