You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
