This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
