he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
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Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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