omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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