Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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