I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
