one might say we're banned from that church
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
