Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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