turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
