my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
