if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
