I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
