when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
