And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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