he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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