cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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