You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
