you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
