Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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