I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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