end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
