Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
