Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
