I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The ass gains better be worth it
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