Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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