I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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