I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize