I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
