i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
