oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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