More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
