Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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