the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
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My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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