I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
