Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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