What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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