Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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