Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
