I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
