And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
