You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
