I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
