Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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