Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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