Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
