I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
