Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
