Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
